All In

Last night Ben cried for me for a while before I got home. I grabbed him, he kicked his little legs as fast as he could while crying when he saw me. I took him and nursed him as he looked at me with big eyes. He was sighing and holding my finger as tight as he could. I stroked his head and cheek and just looked at him forever. Those evenings I was free to just go and be gone as long as I want without a chance of a baby waking up for me are gone for now. And I don't miss it at all. I held him and just thought to myself that there is nothing better in the world than this. Ben has been fussy lately, he wants me. I am loving it to be honest. I know this time goes so fast and if it means being with my kids every second, I have no problem with it. I WANT to be with them. God has changed my perspective a lot lately. My kids are now on my side. When we are all having a rough day, we are in it together, they aren't against me. I care more about my house being messy with blanket forts and stuffed animals than a clean house. They matter so much and I couldn't be more thankful for this time in my life. I am all in.

Full of Grace

Today in church we held our babies and praised God. I looked at their sweet faces, Benjamin just looking around and touching my face with his sweet soft hands, and Matthew with his eyes closed and hands raised, praising his creator. And I was overwhelmed with God's love and thankful for the seeds of love that God is planting in their hearts. I just felt tears of thankfulness flowing down my face. I looked around and saw a church full of hypocrites. Every single one of us is there because every day we need grace. So many people dont like the church because people have hurt them. Duh. We are people. We hurt each other. But God gives us grace. We have all judged or hurt each other, or turned or backs, or talked behind each others backs. We have all sinned towards our kids or spouse. We all mess up, but God is soooo good. Ever sooo good. He gives us unlimited chances. No matter how terrible we mess up, he can't wait for us to come back into his loving arms. I was so thankful. I felt a release. Not needing to be perfect. Not needing to be a perfect mom or sister or wife. I can try, I can do what I know will make others feel loved, but I will mess up.
I have a sister that I love dearly. We are so alike but so different in so many ways. And so often our relationship just reminds me of God's grace. We argue sometimes, we say things to hurt each other, and we don't do things the same way. But we talk it out, and we work at it because we care about grace and our relationship. yah, we cry and raise our voice sometimes, but we give grace and move on and because of it, after each misunderstanding, once we forgive and give grace we have a stronger love than we had before. I love her so much it hurts and am thankful for that relationship that gives and gives grace over and over again. And that is exactly what God does for me every day.
I am thankful today. I am nothing without him. It is good to be loved by my Savior.

perks

ME: Babe, the last few days Matthew has been waking me up at 7 and for some reason I am in the deepest sleep ever and am super lethargic and cannot get myself moving at all. So when Ben goes down for his usual 2 hour morning nap the last few days, I am not gonna lie, I have been putting on "Winnie the Pooh" and Matthew and I snuggle on the couch while I drink coffee for an hour.

MIKE: Wow babe, sounds like you have been having it rough.

ME: Speaking of rough, ugh, I gotta go pack a dipaer bag so we can go to the beach tomorrow morning.

MIKE: Seriously babe, the beach? You do have it rough.


Oooooookaaaaaay. While I will come home exhausted tomorrow and I won't even be close to having the chance to lay out, I am not gonna lie, being a stay at home mom really does have its perks. =)

Thankful

Sunday

Yesterday was one of those days. My husband and I just ended the day feeling so good about it. We didn't do anything but grocery shop and play with our kids. And Mike took the boys grocery shopping. SUPER DAD!

It was so needed. We were pretty busy, I was in a wedding Saturday and we didn't see Matthew all day. So Sunday we had him back and we could just tell he needed to play with mom and dad together even though he got to hang with his grandparents. So mike didn't do school work and we turned off all electronics so we could make memories instead, and just played hard all day. We went to two different parks, and read, and tackled, and crashed cars, and I am pretty sure the boy did not stop running all day. He even saw his Grandpa and Grandma Bickel for a little bit and of course he crashed cars, and tackled them and talked a lot. He was sweaty and red faced and HAPPY. So happy.  And he was falling asleep at 6pm on his way from the park. He is getting his 2 year molars and it was so nice to just distract him. But it was just fun. So fun to be with my family and make memories by being outside in the sun and laughing. it was really just one of those perfect days. I am so thankful for those days. and so thankful for a husband that plays with our kids hard because that is what he would rather be doing than anything else.

little

wow it has been a while since i have blogged. i have been obsessed with instagram. i cant stop taking pictures of my little babies and it has been the quickest way to upload and document what they are doing. next step, figure out how to get it on their private blogs. i have been terrible with those.
but wow. life has been a bit of a whirlwind. i never realized how busy life could get and we aren't even involved in anything other than my mommy groups. but with the kids and mike working and in school full time, by the time we get the kids to bed there is just enough to get the house clean, say hi to each other and try to catch some sleep

we have though, been so overwhelmed with love for these babies. ben is 4.5 months already. wow. he has become the easiest baby ever in the last 3 weeks. atleast to me. he wants to sleep ALL the time. he fusses till i put him in the crib and he will sleep hours at a time during the day and at night. its nice. he is so smiley and calm and eating well. he loves his brother, walks, and his crib.

matthew is the most precious two year old ever. he is getting the last of his teeth. oh those 2 year molars. 1 down, 3 to go. he just wants to run and play with ben and talk and sing and go down slides. and if i didnt limit him to one show a day, hed watch TV all day if he could. i think there is child genius in there. =)

i brought the kids to the zoo today and i was so thankful. so thanful for this time in my life to just enjoy with these little people. to enjoy life from their level. where everything is new and exciting.

while im letting them get bigger, i dont like that they are. i want them little forever. so many people tell me to enjoy it while they are young, so i am. and its ok that im not ready for them to get bigger. i look at ben and then matthew and know that in a few short years ben will be wiggling out of my arms. but now i will hold him and kiss him and squeeze ever last ounce of baby i can get out of him. and i will forever hold in my memory the sweet kisses and new sweet sentences and words of matthew.

thankful mama over here.

40 weeks

Me: Hey Emily. What are you up to?
Emily: Well. I was sitting for a while. And now I am standing,


Emily: can you get (such and such) for me?
Jon: do I have to get it now?
Emily: do you want me to push out a baby or do you want to do it?
Jon: What do you want?


It is my sisters due date!!!!!! Woohooo. Can't wait to meet this new niece or nephew.

We Are Freeeee!

I have not taken my children away from our house other than a few stroller rides for almost 2 weeks. Whaaaaaat? It was one of the hardest and trying few weeks yet of parenthood, but Id say Matthew is officially potty trained with a few things to work out. We decided against giving treats when he peed on the potty so we just had major dance parties when he did so it took a little longer but I am SO glad we did it. Yesterday he only had one accident so we finally ventured out today to Stoney Creek and he stayed dry for two 30 minute car rides. So proud of him. I'm telling you, nursing a baby and trying to watch a toddlers every move before he pees is insane. Or the times he is about to go in the living room JUST as I am getting Ben to sleep. We were so stressed and I cried a lot, but sometimes good things come with hard work. It is good to be free again. Matthew was so happy to be in the car, windows down, and Panera muffins at the park, just swinging away. Twas a good day. Oh, and as of yesterday Ben is rolling over from both ways. Woohoo. It makes the night more interesting, but I cannot believe how much these boys are growing up.

And my parents are coming up to visit for a couple days and they offered for Mike and I to go out on a date after the boys are in bed while they are here. I just LOVE my mother for thinking of us in that way. We have not been on a date in 5 months probably. We need it so badly. It will be the 3rd time in almost 4 months that I have left the house in a car without a child for more than an hour. I love my children, but we really need this and we couldn't be more thankful for the evening out.

My World

I have a heavy heart. I'm not going to lie. I am angry. I am angry what has been drilled in me about raising children from dumb books and online forums. It is so hard to let all those words go. There is too much to explain for a blog, but I am slowly trying to become the mom I was made to be, but it is REALLY hard and REALLY painful. I mean it when I say really. It is like someone is tugging on me from both ends. My heart and motherly instincts on one side, and our cultures advice of parenting "methods." But as I sit here tonight after another day of hard HARD struggling with the reality of it, these children are my world. As I rocked Matthew for his nap and put him down in my bed for the first time, I just cried so hard over him over all the moments I have missed because I was trying to do what I was told to do and not always how I was made to be. I have not rocked Matthew to sleep in so long and I just thought to myself how badly he has needed this. He slept 3 hours on my bed and it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

I just have to share how beautiful these children are.

Words

When i was a little girl i was called a "blonde" a lot. It stopped.
When i was 23 years old some one called me "blonde" and I went to another room and cried for a long time. I believed it.

A man is behind a little girl on a bike. I hear him say. "If you want to learn to ride a bike, you cannot be such a wimp"

I have never seen what my words can do to the extent that I saw it the other day.

I had a moment I am not too proud of. My 3 month old was screaming in my arms and my 2 year old Matthew was craving my attention. I could not give it to him and he lost it. I was tired, I was weak, I had nothing left in me. I was thankful that he hit me so I had a reason to put him in timeout so I could catch a break. I grabbed him by the arm, spoke rude and stern in his face, and put him in his room and shut the door. I heard mad yelling from Matthew that turned into sad, heartbreaking cries.

Ben fell asleep. All was quiet except little whimpers in the big kids room. I felt so lost. How do I even take care of this. He hit me. I need to tell him not to do that again. I hear sad cries again and my heart breaks for what he must think of himself. I get on my knees and ask God what in the world to do.

Thank You God. He spoke. He said, My kindness leads you to repentance. What is your end goal? You do not discipline your child to let him know he is bad. Just like I tell you how precious you are to me, you tell him. You let him know the person he is. Your words will break him down or build him up. Your words can make him not hit again because he is afraid of you, or not hit again because he knows what a loved person he is. 

I open his door. He is in the corner, slightly shaking. He yells at me, mad. He had every right. I walk up to him and he shouts "NO NO NO", gesturing for me to go away. I get down on my knees and put my hand out to him. Again, "NO". I remember what God said. So I tell him.

"Matthew, I Love you Soooo much. Dad. He loves you SO much too. I think you are such a gentle boy. You are so nice. You are so nice to Ben. I love how much you love to play cars with me. I love playing with you. Jesus loves you. You are like Jesus. I think you are beautiful."

He stops shaking. His eyes are staring straight into mine. And tears, tears of relief, stream down his face. There is no sound of crying, no shaking. Just shoulders that are relaxing and tears flowing from his eyes.

I keep telling him over and over again who he is in ways he would understand.
My words hit him hard. Many words, that needed to make up for the bad kid he felt he was.
He walked fast, grabbed my hand, and hugged me so hard I couldn't breath. He picked up his head and brought it around, staring in my face with tears streaming down his eyes as he says, "I love."
We hugged again and my words shot my actions to the ground.

I messed up and God taught me so much that day.  Every word we say to people has effect. It is who they end up thinking they are and who they often end up becoming. Words are so powerful. We can create our enemies to be more powerful and armed. We can create our spouses to be just as bad as we say they are. We can make that woman feel even more ugly, or that man even more like a failure. All by our words.

Oh our words, how they can cause people to become the person they never wanted to be. OR, our words can create people that will change the world because they have been told they are loved and worth it despite any mistake or flaw they have. How quick we critique and correct when so many great people sit silent because they have never been told who they are, just who they are not.

Day to day pours out speech,
    and night to night reveals knowledge. 
 There is no speech, nor are there words,
    whose voice is not heard. 
Their voice^[b] goes out through all the earth,
    and their words to the end of the world.
                               Psalm 19:2-4

Confession

Confessions,
      I almost got dread locks and moved to down town detroit.
      I'm eating hummus with my finger while my kids are napping.
      When my kids are overwhelming I eat powdered sugar with a spoon.
      I just bought my first pair of black yoga pants and have worn them 3 days in a row. Tell me, how did I ever survive motherhood without these?
      I'm sneaking spinach in everything
       I'm making a chore chart for my husband and I so that Sundays we don't have a pile up.
      
       My husband is one lucky man.

hehehehe
     

Out There

We just had a blissful family vacation in California. Such happy times. But we came home and the reality hit. And lets be honest, it is one of those nights where you just sit on your couch and cry. For me atleast.
Cry because I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep for a week with no interruptions, with my husband with me. I mean, I just want one morning atleast.
Cry because I woke up and could hardly walk on my knee and my husband had to work a 16 hour day and I still have children. And with kids, there is no such thing as calling into work anymore. Puking or anything.
Cry because we are losing someone very close to cancer this week.
Cry because I snapped too many times at matthew today. Gosh that is always the hardest.
Cry because I feel like a deer in the headlights when it comes to babies, and this is my second time around. And it is making me more insecure every day.
Cry because I care too much what people think and so I go places less and less with kids. I just want to get over myself.
Cry because I have mounds of laundry to put away and I cannot get myself to do it.
Cry because my husband has full time classes and I just have not had a date with him in 3 months
Cry because Ben wont take a bottle so it is so hard to figure out anything for me to be somewhere with out a kid if i need to be. Like the funeral possibly coming up.
Cry because I cannot come up with anything creative to make for dinner anymore.
Cry because both my kids were screaming at bedtime and I could only be with one at a time.
Cry because Ben nursed ALL day long today and I felt so bad that by the end of the day I could hardly stand to cuddle Matthew before bed. I just couldn't be touched anymore.
Cry because I cried way too much while taking care of the kids today and I felt like I could hardly hold us together any longer.
Cry because I don't want to invite people over because I would be afraid what they think.
Thank God for Grace and Easter. Because I am one hot mess. Happy. But today, a mess.

This isn't a pity me. But this is me so thankful that God put my babies to sleep before 8 tonight and I could sit and cry and that he could tell me the words to this song. Because I know I don't have to be perfect even though I try way too hard.


Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

Him

My husband is my hero! I think he is the hero to my children because he loves me so well. He plays with the kids any second he has a chance, he cleans my house, and he kisses and hugs me, and always wants me around him ( i think). He is my best friend and I am so proud of him. He has taken on the role of being a dad so well. I love him.

Oh. Hey.

Oh. Hey. I have not blogged in so long. The past few weeks have been so wonderful with my boys. I am falling so in love with them more every day. Being a mom of two is really rocking my world. I am looking forward to some nice weather tho. I miss those fresh air walks during fussy time. While I am becoming so much more of a confident mom I am still seeing those insecurities come out and that is always no fun to address, but necessary right?

Well we head off to CA in a few weeks and I have never seen my husband so excited to get away.
Also, I cannot wait to get a better phone to take pictures on. I want to document better in photos but my little flip phone is not cutting it anymore. May just can't come soon enough when we get them.

But I gotta run.
Love.

Family

I won't go into the exhausting, hilarious, and frustrating details, but I was at my parents the last four days and on this last day Matthew woke up at 4:15am and wouldn't go back to sleep. but when ben woke up at 5:45am to nurse he was unable to go back to sleep because of Matthew and I quickly stuck those kids in the car for a very early morning road trip back home with the magical help of their Grandma Bickel. I had 10 minutes of freakout in that time and slowly decided to tell myself, "we are family". this stuff will happen. we wake each other up and we go through it together. so i got in the car and turned on worship music. the first line of one of the songs was "Dear Jesus Christ my sanity".   I was laughing so hard. I wondered where my sanity went, and there he was. Jesus. and coffee. Thank you Jesus and coffee for my sanity so early in the morning.

Bacon

MICHAEL: "Wife. I need you start eating more bacon."



Speaking of Michael. We had two hours to ourselves last night. And we spent it laughing. Best medicine for fatigue. I think the slap happiness helped a little bit!

Oh. And we have spent the last three mornings at home. I have been in my PJ's. Every so often that is the best way to go. It has been so warm in our house and just lovely, cozy days. I think my throat hurts from ready books and singing songs. I am so happy. Quite possibly the happiest lady. Ever! Thankful for my boys and Man.

Night and Day

There is something about being a parent that can totally do things to you that you never thought you would do. I will be so honest, it has brought out the absolute crazy person in me. I have a friend that I talk to all the time and she is the friend I have chosen to just get it all out to, well, because not everyone needs to hear my moans and groans when most of the time I am super giddy about being a mom. But she ends up making me crack up about it all. But let me just share how it can turn any nice person crazy.

ME: Ben got woken up by a poop and was awake from 4:30am-5:45am. I went crazy. I was literally in my living room pacing around and crying out to God. I was sobbing and asking God why he would let his happen to me and I swore I would never have another baby again. That he knows I need sleep and that he needs to be a good Father and put Ben back to sleep. Then I texted Mike at work     -He's wide awake. I feel like I could lose it. I am so tired and mad. I shouldn't have to be bouncing him and pacing him at 5am-  

FRIEND: I know. My times I get like that are from 12-2am. It is like I am an entirely different person.

ME: Yeah, give me two screaming children at noon and I am totally calm. But an awake baby in the middle of the night puts me far past the end of me. I wish I could record myself and look at it in 10 years. I would be laughing so hard. Even now it seems so hilarious that I was begging God and sobbing just because my baby was awake for a bit at night.

FRIEND: I know, it is so embarresing. But in the moment, it just seems so final. Like this is how it is going to be forever.

ME: Yeah, it is so ridiculous that I did that, and I am so incredibly happy right now with my boys and would love to have another baby. The funny thing, even though I was being so dumb, it will probably happen again tonight if he is up.

FRIEND: I KNOW!!!!!


Ok, so I am sure no one was interested in that conversation, but it is good for me to get out. And my morning ended up being PERFECT with my boys. Ben was all smiles and Matthew was picture perfect happy today. He was handing out kisses to Ben and I all day and reading, coloring, talking, and playing cars on his FREAKING AMAZING race car track that Mike and his dad made. I seriously had so much fun and since Ben has been napping great, Matthew and I get some super playtime which is my favorite ever.

Sunday

Today I didn't go to Ohio with the kids like I planned because Matthew has snot everywhere. Better to keep it in our own house huh? But it has been such a relaxing Sunday. Ben is taking the Sunday nap thing seriously, because he has only woken up to eat and stretch his legs  only to go nap again and the only frustrating part of my day is when Matthew decided to restructure my perfectly thought out lego castle. And I feel pretty successful because I figured out I  can put a baby to sleep while I exercise my legs with exercise band. Score. Multitasking is at a whole new level around here.

Also, I decided that God honestly made coffee for parents with little ones. It's no joke. Procrastinating college students think it was made for them, but there is no choice with these crazy short people in my house disturbing my REM sleep. It is not a matter of taste or addiction around here. Coffee is a matter of good parenting, and I think God new it made for better parenting with little ones. Seriously!!! By 10am if I forgot my coffee it feels like a ton of bricks are sitting on top of my eyeballs, and coffee solves most of the problem. I mean, in 15 minutes i can go from falling asleep while reading Pooh books to doing leg lifts while building towers. It is amazing.

Well, happy Sunday everyone. Hope you enjoy your naps and coffee!

Love

MATTHEW:  "Baby Ben. Kiss"   And then he kisses Ben.

Oh, this is Love.

little feet

one night it takes 2 hours to get the baby to sleep and you feel like you are gonna fall over from a day with a toddler and the baby having been just right behind you. but then the next morning, you are playing with the babies little bare feet while he is snuggled up nursing after a warm bath and everything is right in the world. God knows how to keep moms going. And I think its in their little feet.

oh and ben smiled for the first time today, that helped.

My Grandpa

This is my Grandpa . One handsome man. And can't you just tell he was a professor?
He passed when I was baby. I sure would have loved to know him. From stories I hear he was very very intelligent and classy.

Love

Happy Valentines Day. I spent it being sick and there were no candy hearts in bowls or pink pancakes for breakfast . But it was my first Valentines Day with having two kids and so they made it the best one so far. My little babies surely make me feel loved. And even though they still needed me to take care of them all day, they made me feel so loved by still wanting to spend time with me. I love my kids and I couldn't be happier even when one is trying to climb up my body while I am trying to bounce the other one while making lunch when i can hardly see anything because my eyes are watering from my head cold; it is exactly where I want to be. I love them so much!

Confessions

Just a few mommy confessions for the week.

-The other day I fed Matthew Tortilla chips for lunch. That was it. Plain tortilla chips.

- I fell asleep for the first time while Matthew was not sleeping. Baby was sleeping, but Matthew was not, and we was not in his crib or watching TV. I have no idea what he did for a half an hour. I just woke up to a DVD disc being smashed in my face with a toddler laughing saying, "ma? ma?"

That's all for now that I'm willing to admit ;)  Many more to come.

Oh, but we did take our first walk as a family today outside. Thanking Jesus for a little break in the weather. A whopping 40 degrees. Woohoo. The boys loved it.  AND Matthew had his first Valentines day party. It was crazy. Tons of kids under 4 years old. WOW! 

1 month

One Month Old Ben -

Loves being swaddled (most of the time)
Loves when I sing and say "shhh" in his ear
Gags on the pacifier (which is fine since I nurse and would rather comfort him that way, Ive only tried it at 3am when I am desperate. lol)
Sleeps a lot
Eats like a Champion.
Has great lungs
Doesn't cry long
Likes to be put flat on the ground when he is awake and happy
Falls asleep in Mikes arms in minutes
Is THE best snuggler (equal to his brother)
Let's me wear him in my baby wrap carriers sometimes. Which I love. Sleeping baby on my body. Calms anyone down. I don't get to hold him much when he is asleep, but I love when he falls asleep and snuggles close in my wraps
Everything about him is cute


He makes me want another baby......Shhhhhh....DO NOT tell Mike!! hehe. 

Time

When Matthew napped today Ben was up for part of it and I loved that I got some great one on one time with him. We kissed and held hands, and he cooed and kicked his legs. And he gave me a smirk while he cooed. and I fell even more in love with him. Every day I get to know this boy a little bit more and falling in love with him every day a lot more.

Sick

Zechariah (4 yrs) (said this on monday) - "Spiderman is sick today mom"

Me: "How can we make it better?"

Zechariah: "When it is Tuesday."

Me: "Oh! So he will feel better tomorrow?"

Zechariah: "Yah!"

Out and About

Practice makes perfect right? That is how I feel about getting out of the house with two kids. One being only a month old and nursing a lot. But even if things go a little messy, it is still so worth it to me to get out and practice. We had lots of fun today at playgroup and thanks to my awesome new double stroller, it made life even easier. And even though I have a toddler trying to climb on my lap for hugs while my baby is eating, and sometimes that toddler likes to bolt for the men's bathroom while I'm nursing, or I notice he runs into a table when I am nursing, we make it. And even when Ben cries in public and Matthew needs a diaper change at the same time, we make it. And we figure it out. And getting out when I don't really have my coordination of two kids down quite yet is really working on my "getting over myself" plan I have. I used to and still do get embarrassed when I don't look like I have it together. But challenging myself when I am out and about to just let it go and let people stare is just the thing I need to get over myself and just let my kids be kids, and let us go out and have fun even if we have a moment or two. It is so worth it and good to look back on and laugh. So I guess I will keep practicing getting around because it is worth the fun (and matthew and I go bonkers and stir crazy SO fast), even though it probably won't ever look perfect.

My kids are precious. Did I ever mention that? And my little boys fell asleep for their naps at the same time again today and the quiet is ever so precious, just as precious as those first little morning shouts. Speaking of mornings, if Matthew gets up before Ben in the morning, I bring him to my bed, keep the lights off and shut the door and I go back to sleep. He just lays there forever or sits in silence and lets me sleep while he cuddles up.  And then about 30 minutes later I feel little toddler kisses on my face and lots of babbling and then I hear "EAT".  It is soooo nice of him and sweet and he has done it a lot.  Happy Monday!!!!!!!

bed

left little ben out in his bouncy seat so i could go cuddle matthew in his room for a while before bed. came back to ben and he was closing his eyes as i came out of matthews room. both kids went to bed at the EXACT same time tonight. MAGICAL! SCORE! They love their mama. Now to get ready for my parents to stay the night!

Both

I just found these pictures online. It is amazing how in the same household, you can find both of these scenarios happen within minutes of each other.  In one minute I think to myself how in the world will this moment ever resolve itself, because I sure don't have the effort to resolve it for them, and the next moment, they are happy as pie and make me think I am a pro at these, even tho they somehow just resolved it on the own because dear goodness I have no idea what the heck I am doing. hahaha! Oh, I sure love my life.

My Big Kid

There are so many different emotions going on with taking care of two kids. So many easy and wonderful things. And so many really difficult and frustrating things. One of the hardest things so far for me is how fast Matthew has had to grow up and kinda take 2nd sometimes. When baby has needs, it really comes first or quickly. So today when I told Matthew "no" to snacks and TV and that he had to find something to play with, he listened and he decided to start running around and giggle and wanted to wrestle me. So we started to wrestle and almost right away in all his laughter and Joy that he finally got to wrestle me, Ben woke up and needed to nurse right away. My heart broke for Matthew. I know it is ok, and all kids with siblings have to go through this. But my heart hurts for him so many moments in the day. The other day all he wanted to do was cuddle and when I finally got Ben to lay down for a nap I immediately popped in a movie and Matthew and i cuddled like no other. At one point I got up to get water and he reached his hands out to me and started to cry, saying "huuug". I knew he needed those cuddles and I was so thankful for that 45 minute movie that we got to be warm under the blanket together. I love my kids so much it hurts. Literally, my eyeballs and my knees hurt, but I really love them, it is all worth it.

Our Days

How we spend our days is so important, it's how we spend our life. There is a song that says, "Where you invest you love, you invest your life."

This video made our hearts full one night. Mike and I watched it and it just hit us hard. Few things are as beautiful as this - as people who rescue the fatherless and adopt!

Perfect

Just me and the boys home tonight. Baby wakes up right after dinner. Right after Matthew woke up from his nap, I had 3 hours while Ben napped to play cars and bubbles and cars till dinner. We saved his movie time till Ben woke up so I put Matthew on the couch next to me while I nursed Ben. Matthew leans in as far as he can into my shoulder, puts his hand on Ben and says "baby", leans up and kisses me and cuddles in deeper. I let Ben nurse as long as possible so I don't have to leave that moment. Of both of them there. in their favorite spots. One cuddling mom while watching Veggie Tales, the other getting warm milk and we all three were so happy. SO Happy. Then we got in PJ's and read books and sang songs till the baby fell asleep and then the big kid went to sleep. And it was just perfect.

This Week

This week was wonderful. I had one rough morning, but after some advice from my husband, none of that crazy back breaking stuff was a problem. And I got to take them out a few times this week and we had so much fun getting out while dad was gone. The daytime alone with the boys is SO easy to me compared to being up at night. I may have told God that I would go through a natural labor again if it meant sleeping through the night forever and ever from hear on out. That says a lot. And I may have said other things that I won't post. Did I mention middle of the nights with an infant are the hardest thing for me so far in my two years of being a mom? Yah. If we are being honest. Other moms say things like "Oh, at least my kids make 4am worth being up." and I'm all like " Oh Dear Lord, just make morning get here so I can have coffee if I am going to have to be awake." They still make 4am worth it, it is just literally painful to be awake sometimes!! =)

But my kids are beautiful and after I woke up this morning with my little baby next to me in my arms( I don't know how he got there) I was so in awe of his beauty and the sun just shining on his perfect sleeping face. Mercies are new every morning, that is for sure.

And my appetite is off the roof. I was concerned. But little Ben is eating soooo good that my calories I eat have went up up up. So my desire for cooking and baking has dramatically increased. I have never made so many homemade meals and baked so many things in one week. It kinda makes me feel like super housewife. I hope the avocado hummus and super duper healthy cookies in the oven will be a hit with my Matthew!

Matthew amazes me with his transition to being a brother. He adores Ben and he has matured so much it is actually sometimes hard for me to believe he could change so much in just 3 weeks. I love him dearly.

Husband and I are yet in another season of growing in our marriage. It is always good to add a good stress. Good thing we are a great team, because the exhausting nights sure have put extra little tones in our voices that make for lots of forgiving. Forgiving is such a good thing. I love him dearly and we are learning yet more and more about our own characters that are good and need changing! I appreciate the seasons in our lives that do that to us. It always makes us more powerfully in love! 

Well, the nice morning with all my guys is almost closing with Mike going to work soon. Cookies baking, Ben napping, and Mike and Matthew playing cars in the living room for what seems like forever is making this moment beautiful and peaceful. I love everything about the chaos and the quiet moments.

A Good Dad

Found this gem of a picture on Pinterest today. This is awesome. Also, I caught Matthew playing gently with Benjamin's toes and fingers and rubbing and kissing his head. He really likes the baby a lot.

Middle of the Night

2am feeding

ME: Oh, Michael. I am so exhausted.

MIKE: When our boys are old enough, I will take you on a vacation.

ME: Yes Please. To Where?

MIKE: Away from here.



Mike and I are super pitiful middle of the night people, and we assume that we are entitled to anything and are owed everything after middle of the night parenting!

priorities

my how things have changed with two kids. with matthew, i could be so focused on what i wanted to "work" on.  if he woke up to earlier i tried to pay attention to why and how we could stay in his dark room for a while to let him know it is still time to sleep. or id look at the clock for when it was time to nap and eat and whatever. but boy with a newborn. this morning ben woke up matthew crying. so when matthew woke up i didnt even look at the time and just tried to figure out how to get him fed and cuddled a bit while ben was screaming. and since up until 2pm little ben wanted to be held and snuggled little matthew had almost zero mom time. ohmygosh im serious my ACL hurts. the ligament i had knee surgery on in 8th grade. WHAT? hahaha. i seriously spent my day bouncing and lifting and squating and trying to read books while nursing and build towers while nursing and take matthew out of the high chair while holding a crying baby. wow. so when matthews nap time came around and both kids were screaming for me since matthew wanted me to hold him and ben did to i basically put matthew in his crib and nursed ben and we all cried. and when ben finally laid down for a nap, my priority was far from matthew needing a nap. i quickly took him right out of that crib to hold him and tell him how much i love him and how proud i am of him for being so patient and kind to us today. he was my little rock star and i missed him like crazy and so we played and played when i could have let him try a little longer to nap but i just couldn't pass up the time that i could have alone with him. priorities sure have changed, and when i used to keep track of when and how long i nursed matthew, i cannot even find time to sit unless im nursing so i have no idea what little ben does during the day. =) oh long rant and all that to say, i feel like someone stuck in the "Insanity" workout DVD and had me do it all day long. hahaha. these kids will keep me young! =) =)

My Morning

Gosh. It is so much fun having two kids. Today was our first morning just with me and the boys and even though my day started at 4:30am (how does Matthew know that if he wakes up at 5am he gets two hours alone with mom? genius idea on his part) it was wonderful. we had tons of mini dance parties and red lots of books and LOTS of snuggling, till we got out of the house for a bit. It was really lots of fun. And since I am major planner, everything was packed and put out last night incase we decided to leave, so getting out of the house with the two little ones was a piece of cake.

But gosh did I have a moment. I kinda lost my cool when trying to give matthew some medicine today. the medicine went all over us  and then he screamed and hit me (i dont blame him). But I yelled back at him. Like not in just a firm mom tone, like yelled. And the look on my little boys face staring me in the eyes with shaky hands and tears about to come cut me deep down in my soul. I NEVER want to see fear like that again on my child's face because of me. I have grace with myself and I know we are fine, but it only made it worse. My kids should never have to obey out of fear. I am reminded why I hate fear based parenting and yelling. I love him and wish that never happened.

On a brighter note we did sing "Old McDonald Had a Farm" which always helps perk him up. And even though there still may be a little scar in his heart, I was glad to get a kiss out of him fairly soon after the moment and am thankful for a wonderful morning with my two boys.

Oh, and today when Benjamin was crying in the car before we started driving, I heard Matthew in the back saying "Baby! Shhhhh! Shhhhh!", trying to sooth him. So sweet. My little Matthew has grown up so much in these past two weeks.

Baby Toots

I have just been sitting here next to little Ben while he is napping on the couch and he keeps making baby toots in his sleep and I am cracking up at him! What is so freaking cute and funny about that? I love that he keeps doing it and still doesn't wake up.

Oh. Just enjoying the little things about my little ones I guess.

Mommy

Today I am really realizing the mommy of two thing. Mike is at work tonight and Matthew woke up after I put him to bed just screaming (probably his ear infections that are still there) and it took me a while to calm him down. And all I could think was, "OHMYGOSH. what if Benjamin was awake right now and nursing, or woke up during this time that I REALLY needed to be with Matthew and screamed till I fed him?" And we all know that a hungry infant is relentless. What would I really do? I have no idea. It didn't happen, and so I probably shouldn't worry about it, but the needs of such little people are so urgent to me and for real when they are in pain or hungry, and i just wonder how I will divide my time when they both badly need mom at the same time. When it seems like their problem can't seem to wait because they need comfort that bad. Dear God will help me I am sure. They are just so little to be left too long to deal alone. I'm probably too tired to problem solve this. I should get some sleep while I can. Goodnight. My precious boys need a rested mom.

Stuff

Stuff!

* It has not been two weeks yet since I had Benjamin and it is good thing my mom is here so I don't over-do it because today I felt like doing sprints around a track. Yah, without her I'm sure I would be a wreck by now and really sore.

* Matthew learned how to say "sorry" which is precious and we figured out what is so cute about the way he runs. He doesn't really bend his knees. It is hilarious and really fast.

* Mike is the best dad ever and loves his boys.

* Moms rock. Meaning mine and Mikes.

* Benjamin is freaking handsome. My gosh what a stud, and he is soooooo sweet. I am so happy he is my kid.

*Matthew LOVES his brother and it makes my heart melt.

MY FAVORITE MOM LINES OF THE WEEK.

At moms group my friend walks in the house and sees Benjamin for the first time from across the room. "Oh My Gosh I think my milk just came in."   HAHAHA. That is a mom of three kids for yuh. I love moms group.

And my mom and I took Benjamin to my sisters for a girls movie night. ("Julie and Julia" is so cute by the way)

ME: I love girl nights.
NICOLE: Well, girl nights have changed a bit haven't they?
ME: Oh yah! Girls and two baby boys.
NICOLE: Well, but if you don't need the boob, you're not invited.

I love that I am doing this mom thing with my sisters.

Quiet Now

Tired, craaaanky husband (still handsome tho) - Screaming toddler who doesn't want to nap because dad just got home - hungry, tired, crying baby-  All just happened at the same time. Oh to be human.

But it is quiet now and they ALL three fell asleep within about 5 minutes of each other. I may just sit in the precious silence or do what they are now doing!

Love My Life!

This Time

This time around, second kid, i still have no idea what im doing. but why its easier this time is that i know we will never have these little people figured out completely. i am way more comfortable with trial and error and experience shows me they change every day and that when i have it figured out they will change again. and  im just more comfortable with being a deer in the head lights because i already know it isnt easy. and thats why its easier this time around.

AND my kids are stunningly handsome and confusing. they make me so happy.

Alone

Well I wasn't alone tonight. A friend came and helped me while Mike went back to work for the first time since the baby. She was MAJOR help and Matthew loved her, but both kids still showed preference for me and I started to get a glimpse of my new reality and this makes way more sense to me. HaHa.

BRING IT ON!!!!!! I think I can keep two kids alive. It is my only goal while starting out my new life as a mom of two. Keep them alive and kiss them. Check!


And who doesn't LOVE this? I just love Pooh.

Already

Im not quite sure how Benjamin already put himself on his own little schedule. I mean, he is 6 days old but incredibly predictable. And how in the world did he know that this mama is all about early bedtimes? Because he already picked up on that memo since the day we got home. I wasn't prepared for his, but so thankful he has his nights together and goes to bed and wakes up the same time as his brother with a few feedings in the middle of the night. My husband and I seem to thrive in our parenting when we know what our kids might need next, so little Ben is helping us out. And he is the perfect nurser. I'm not even a hint of sore and he its nice big meals every few hours and I know when he will be hungry. SO NICE!  It's just our toddler who is keeping us on our toes with every new and extremely unpredictable emotion. ;) Gotta love that little Matthew. The little person inside of him is starting to come out in a lot bigger ways. Gosh my kids are great!

I Forgot

Oh! That newborn fatigue. It has arrived I forgot about this kind of tired. The kind where I go to try and sleep now but I am so tired that there is buzzing in my head that keeps me awake instead. I sometimes wonder if it hits me more than other people. This coming from the girl that slept 12 hours through the night since I was 3 days old and had to be woken up to be fed. And who just 6 days ago only had a toddler that throws a fit until I put him in his crib for "ni nite" and then sleeps 12-13 hours through the night.

But I am really praying that this time around my little kiddos keep me so busy during the day that I won't have as much time to think about it. It's just my husband that gets to see the crash and tearful lady at the end of the day. And even though I have developed a nice head cold from the lack of sleep, for some reason I believe that I am the happiest exhausted person there could be right now.

This has also been the week Mike has been home from work and we have not spent one morning at home. Little little Mr. Murphy has had doctors appointments and heel pokes for his jaundice and we have two more tomorrow. Let me tell you, we are becoming pros at getting out the door with two little ones. Those two sure have been troopers that is for sure, since I can't drive everyone has to come along. I think I can maybe take one more heel poke for little Benjamin and then I don't know if I can stand seeing another scar on his sweet little feet. Speaking of feet. I have four little feet to kiss now. OH YAH!

Loves

So my throat is scratchy and my chest is heavy and my eyes are heavy too. But every time I find myself able to take a nap (which is a lot because Mike is home) I just can't do it because all I want to do is stare at my children. Each day I still don't take a nap I get a little bit more tired and so hopefully before Mike goes back to work my body will just force to me to do it. But I am so in love with them I cannot handle closing my eyes to every breath they take. Oh Dear Lord, seriously.

Also, I am in process of writing out his birth story but I have been too tired to write such an amazingly emotional and wonderful experience the way I want to write it.

Also, my sister in law is about to have a baby any minute now.  EEEEEEE!!!!!

Up

I probably should be going to sleep right now but I just can't stop staring at my gorgeous Benjamin and thinking of the little running hug followed by a million kisses that my gorgeous Matthew gave me today. Obsessed with my children? More than a ton.

Benjamin

Introducing:

      Benjamin Robert Murphy : 7 lbs 14 oz and perfection 

 We are so in love and so happy to be home.

We have a great story so far and I can't wait to share.

It Has To Be Soon

I know I'm only two days past my due date, but it really feels like he is just going to stay in there forever now. The anticipation is really something else. I have just been wide awake since way too early now and am just dieing to meet him I can't get back to sleep.

On a different note, little Matthew has been so happy lately since his ears are getting better and we have had some precious times these last few days that I am really cherishing.

AND we just booked our first little vacation as a family of four. We officially fly out to California to see my sister and her husband in just a few months. So excited. Matthew and I did that trip when he was a baby but we all get to go together now. We are thankful to get out there before he turns two. One less ticket we have to pay for. =)  And now I get to see my sister all pregnant before her baby comes.

It's almost 6am so let's hope I can catch another 1-2 hours of sleep before my guy is ready to run all around and wear this mamma out. ;)

Randoms

*Due date is passing. still no contractions. As my dad would say, I'm heading into overtime.

* I have had an hour since Matthew went to bed to pack a bag. It was my one job tonight. I have managed to eat two bowls of ice cream and write this blog in that hour.

* We have two names picked out. Just waiting to see what he looks like to choose.

* My friend who used to live here still has a Victoria Secret magazine that comes here. Mike always folds it up and hands it to me to throw away since neither of us really need to look at that stuff. (hes so awesome) But today the swimsuit addition showed up so I had to see what cute (expensive) stuff is out there. And somehow I almost let that stupid magazine win. For about an hour i refused to eat a peanut butter cup because I wanted to look like them (hahaha. 40 weeks pregnant). I totally almost missed out on candy. Then I realized how they were tricking me and I ate two of them. SO much better.

* Matthew is a happy kid again now that his ears are being treated. YAY. Just in time for baby brother.

* Matthew and I are official mall walkers. Yup. we go before the stores open up. We actually have a blast.

* My husband is THE best. Seriously.

* And Jesus is taking my labor fears away.

* Speaking of contractions, I just had a pretty good practice one which reminds me I need to pack a bag.

Due Date

It's my due date today. It's like...Hello, any day now you are going to meet you're child for the very first time. You are going to see what he looks like and he is going to be touched by his parents for the very first time and you are going to give him the very first kiss he has ever had. WHAT?!?............So basically everything is moving in slow motion for me right now.

advice

I love when my sisters give me pregnant advice or whatever. And what I love about it is how different they say the advice.

me:  so im waiting for my midwife to call. but this baby hasnt stopped moving for 2 hours. he never goes more than like 5 minutes.
 maybe soon.

 Emily:  AHHH!!!

I am so excited to see this boys face!!!!

   Still no contractions?

 

 me:  no. but hes clawing at me.

 

 Emily:  He's just getting all situated! You doing all that squatting crap they tell you to help him?

 

 

 

I don't think I'm up for any squatting crap tonight, but I'm sure I will use that advice at some point.

Three cm

My midwife told me today that I am 3cm dilated and that I need to be napping and sleeping a lot. I kinda like where she is going with this. I think she also meant to tell me that my husband needs to be giving me neck rubs. I'm gonna go see what I can do about that one.

4:30am

"I still have a crush on you" -Mike (getting up for work at 4:30am)-

Also, Matthew has been so sad and so emotional and so touchy this past month. It was getting long to where I was kinda crying at night because I really had no idea what else to do with him to make him happy. Welp, come to find out he has a double ear infection after finally taking him in today to the Doctors. Poor kid, my gosh. I wonder how long he has had it. Those are the worst. It can only get happier from here.

Happy Holidays

I hope everyone had some really Happy Holidays. We spent the Christmastime with both sides of the family at some point. It was so nice. I am extremely thankful for wonderful families on both sides. Makes for no family stress. AH! I can't tell you how thankful I am for that. No mean or crazy parents or in-laws.

The New Years we spent with great friends, just eating great food and staying warm and cozy.
And well, now it is 2013. I have no resolutions and no expectations, but God spoke clearly to me last night and today about what this year will bring for me and no specifics past that.

- Sacrifice
- Challange
- Servanthood
- Laughter
- Joy
- Pruning
- Worship

Very excited to bring in the year with another son! Due within a week, I can hardly believe it.