Friday, April 26, 2013

My World

I have a heavy heart. I'm not going to lie. I am angry. I am angry what has been drilled in me about raising children from dumb books and online forums. It is so hard to let all those words go. There is too much to explain for a blog, but I am slowly trying to become the mom I was made to be, but it is REALLY hard and REALLY painful. I mean it when I say really. It is like someone is tugging on me from both ends. My heart and motherly instincts on one side, and our cultures advice of parenting "methods." But as I sit here tonight after another day of hard HARD struggling with the reality of it, these children are my world. As I rocked Matthew for his nap and put him down in my bed for the first time, I just cried so hard over him over all the moments I have missed because I was trying to do what I was told to do and not always how I was made to be. I have not rocked Matthew to sleep in so long and I just thought to myself how badly he has needed this. He slept 3 hours on my bed and it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

I just have to share how beautiful these children are.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


When i was a little girl i was called a "blonde" a lot. It stopped.
When i was 23 years old some one called me "blonde" and I went to another room and cried for a long time. I believed it.

A man is behind a little girl on a bike. I hear him say. "If you want to learn to ride a bike, you cannot be such a wimp"

I have never seen what my words can do to the extent that I saw it the other day.

I had a moment I am not too proud of. My 3 month old was screaming in my arms and my 2 year old Matthew was craving my attention. I could not give it to him and he lost it. I was tired, I was weak, I had nothing left in me. I was thankful that he hit me so I had a reason to put him in timeout so I could catch a break. I grabbed him by the arm, spoke rude and stern in his face, and put him in his room and shut the door. I heard mad yelling from Matthew that turned into sad, heartbreaking cries.

Ben fell asleep. All was quiet except little whimpers in the big kids room. I felt so lost. How do I even take care of this. He hit me. I need to tell him not to do that again. I hear sad cries again and my heart breaks for what he must think of himself. I get on my knees and ask God what in the world to do.

Thank You God. He spoke. He said, My kindness leads you to repentance. What is your end goal? You do not discipline your child to let him know he is bad. Just like I tell you how precious you are to me, you tell him. You let him know the person he is. Your words will break him down or build him up. Your words can make him not hit again because he is afraid of you, or not hit again because he knows what a loved person he is. 

I open his door. He is in the corner, slightly shaking. He yells at me, mad. He had every right. I walk up to him and he shouts "NO NO NO", gesturing for me to go away. I get down on my knees and put my hand out to him. Again, "NO". I remember what God said. So I tell him.

"Matthew, I Love you Soooo much. Dad. He loves you SO much too. I think you are such a gentle boy. You are so nice. You are so nice to Ben. I love how much you love to play cars with me. I love playing with you. Jesus loves you. You are like Jesus. I think you are beautiful."

He stops shaking. His eyes are staring straight into mine. And tears, tears of relief, stream down his face. There is no sound of crying, no shaking. Just shoulders that are relaxing and tears flowing from his eyes.

I keep telling him over and over again who he is in ways he would understand.
My words hit him hard. Many words, that needed to make up for the bad kid he felt he was.
He walked fast, grabbed my hand, and hugged me so hard I couldn't breath. He picked up his head and brought it around, staring in my face with tears streaming down his eyes as he says, "I love."
We hugged again and my words shot my actions to the ground.

I messed up and God taught me so much that day.  Every word we say to people has effect. It is who they end up thinking they are and who they often end up becoming. Words are so powerful. We can create our enemies to be more powerful and armed. We can create our spouses to be just as bad as we say they are. We can make that woman feel even more ugly, or that man even more like a failure. All by our words.

Oh our words, how they can cause people to become the person they never wanted to be. OR, our words can create people that will change the world because they have been told they are loved and worth it despite any mistake or flaw they have. How quick we critique and correct when so many great people sit silent because they have never been told who they are, just who they are not.

Day to day pours out speech,
    and night to night reveals knowledge. 

 There is no speech, nor are there words,
    whose voice is not heard. 

Their voice[b] goes out through all the earth,
    and their words to the end of the world.

                               Psalm 19:2-4

Monday, April 8, 2013


      I almost got dread locks and moved to down town detroit.
      I'm eating hummus with my finger while my kids are napping.
      When my kids are overwhelming I eat powdered sugar with a spoon.
      I just bought my first pair of black yoga pants and have worn them 3 days in a row. Tell me, how did I ever survive motherhood without these?
      I'm sneaking spinach in everything
       I'm making a chore chart for my husband and I so that Sundays we don't have a pile up.
       My husband is one lucky man.