Gosh. It is so much fun having two kids. Today was our first morning just with me and the boys and even though my day started at 4:30am (how does Matthew know that if he wakes up at 5am he gets two hours alone with mom? genius idea on his part) it was wonderful. we had tons of mini dance parties and red lots of books and LOTS of snuggling, till we got out of the house for a bit. It was really lots of fun. And since I am major planner, everything was packed and put out last night incase we decided to leave, so getting out of the house with the two little ones was a piece of cake.
But gosh did I have a moment. I kinda lost my cool when trying to give matthew some medicine today. the medicine went all over us and then he screamed and hit me (i dont blame him). But I yelled back at him. Like not in just a firm mom tone, like yelled. And the look on my little boys face staring me in the eyes with shaky hands and tears about to come cut me deep down in my soul. I NEVER want to see fear like that again on my child's face because of me. I have grace with myself and I know we are fine, but it only made it worse. My kids should never have to obey out of fear. I am reminded why I hate fear based parenting and yelling. I love him and wish that never happened.
On a brighter note we did sing "Old McDonald Had a Farm" which always helps perk him up. And even though there still may be a little scar in his heart, I was glad to get a kiss out of him fairly soon after the moment and am thankful for a wonderful morning with my two boys.
Oh, and today when Benjamin was crying in the car before we started driving, I heard Matthew in the back saying "Baby! Shhhhh! Shhhhh!", trying to sooth him. So sweet. My little Matthew has grown up so much in these past two weeks.