Monday, June 17, 2013

All In

Last night Ben cried for me for a while before I got home. I grabbed him, he kicked his little legs as fast as he could while crying when he saw me. I took him and nursed him as he looked at me with big eyes. He was sighing and holding my finger as tight as he could. I stroked his head and cheek and just looked at him forever. Those evenings I was free to just go and be gone as long as I want without a chance of a baby waking up for me are gone for now. And I don't miss it at all. I held him and just thought to myself that there is nothing better in the world than this. Ben has been fussy lately, he wants me. I am loving it to be honest. I know this time goes so fast and if it means being with my kids every second, I have no problem with it. I WANT to be with them. God has changed my perspective a lot lately. My kids are now on my side. When we are all having a rough day, we are in it together, they aren't against me. I care more about my house being messy with blanket forts and stuffed animals than a clean house. They matter so much and I couldn't be more thankful for this time in my life. I am all in.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Full of Grace

Today in church we held our babies and praised God. I looked at their sweet faces, Benjamin just looking around and touching my face with his sweet soft hands, and Matthew with his eyes closed and hands raised, praising his creator. And I was overwhelmed with God's love and thankful for the seeds of love that God is planting in their hearts. I just felt tears of thankfulness flowing down my face. I looked around and saw a church full of hypocrites. Every single one of us is there because every day we need grace. So many people dont like the church because people have hurt them. Duh. We are people. We hurt each other. But God gives us grace. We have all judged or hurt each other, or turned or backs, or talked behind each others backs. We have all sinned towards our kids or spouse. We all mess up, but God is soooo good. Ever sooo good. He gives us unlimited chances. No matter how terrible we mess up, he can't wait for us to come back into his loving arms. I was so thankful. I felt a release. Not needing to be perfect. Not needing to be a perfect mom or sister or wife. I can try, I can do what I know will make others feel loved, but I will mess up.
I have a sister that I love dearly. We are so alike but so different in so many ways. And so often our relationship just reminds me of God's grace. We argue sometimes, we say things to hurt each other, and we don't do things the same way. But we talk it out, and we work at it because we care about grace and our relationship. yah, we cry and raise our voice sometimes, but we give grace and move on and because of it, after each misunderstanding, once we forgive and give grace we have a stronger love than we had before. I love her so much it hurts and am thankful for that relationship that gives and gives grace over and over again. And that is exactly what God does for me every day.
I am thankful today. I am nothing without him. It is good to be loved by my Savior.

Thursday, June 6, 2013


ME: Babe, the last few days Matthew has been waking me up at 7 and for some reason I am in the deepest sleep ever and am super lethargic and cannot get myself moving at all. So when Ben goes down for his usual 2 hour morning nap the last few days, I am not gonna lie, I have been putting on "Winnie the Pooh" and Matthew and I snuggle on the couch while I drink coffee for an hour.

MIKE: Wow babe, sounds like you have been having it rough.

ME: Speaking of rough, ugh, I gotta go pack a dipaer bag so we can go to the beach tomorrow morning.

MIKE: Seriously babe, the beach? You do have it rough.

Oooooookaaaaaay. While I will come home exhausted tomorrow and I won't even be close to having the chance to lay out, I am not gonna lie, being a stay at home mom really does have its perks. =)


Monday, June 3, 2013


Yesterday was one of those days. My husband and I just ended the day feeling so good about it. We didn't do anything but grocery shop and play with our kids. And Mike took the boys grocery shopping. SUPER DAD!

It was so needed. We were pretty busy, I was in a wedding Saturday and we didn't see Matthew all day. So Sunday we had him back and we could just tell he needed to play with mom and dad together even though he got to hang with his grandparents. So mike didn't do school work and we turned off all electronics so we could make memories instead, and just played hard all day. We went to two different parks, and read, and tackled, and crashed cars, and I am pretty sure the boy did not stop running all day. He even saw his Grandpa and Grandma Bickel for a little bit and of course he crashed cars, and tackled them and talked a lot. He was sweaty and red faced and HAPPY. So happy.  And he was falling asleep at 6pm on his way from the park. He is getting his 2 year molars and it was so nice to just distract him. But it was just fun. So fun to be with my family and make memories by being outside in the sun and laughing. it was really just one of those perfect days. I am so thankful for those days. and so thankful for a husband that plays with our kids hard because that is what he would rather be doing than anything else.