Wednesday, August 31, 2011


in the past 2 days i have heard news of 3 people who have miscarried their sweet babies. i just cannot imagine. but i pray that God hugs these people so tight. i remember reading a book called "heaven is for real." it was about a 5 year old boy who went to heaven while he was in emergency surgery and ended up being completely healed and saying things about heaven and the bible and events that there was no way he could make up. one being about his parents having miscarried one of the babies. he said to the parents, "i met my sister in heaven." he had no idea his parents ever miscarried and they had no idea they were going to have a girl. but God has that baby and these other three babies in his loving arms, today, right now. i pray for comfort. i know i cannot wait to meet one of my brothers or sisters in heaven one day from when my mom miscarried. well, cuz heaven is for real.

a lazy sneezy kind of day

today started out like hoped. cozy. lots of reading while matthew napped. then my allergies came on me like crazy, just out of no where and i could hardly be in my own skin. AH! it is so hard to not feel well when you have a baby. i didnt want to pick my head up because my nose would just run and i could hardly even see matthew because my eyes were so watery. so we just stayed in bed and i nursed him like every hour it felt like in the afternoon because i felt too awful to try and entertain him. he usually naps in his crib but at one point when i was just letting him nurse, i look down and he was sleeping and had switched to sucking on his thumb. so we cuddled and took a napped together which was probably the best moment of the day. anyways. i am so awful when i am sick and i sure hope this goes away tomorrow.

here is a bit of today in pictures.

and can i just say. i feel like i cannot keep up with this boys eating. he is so hungry. all the time. i nursed him like every 2 hours today, plus an entire banana for breakfast with oatmeal and an entire thing of baby sweet potato and he still took 6 ounces out of a bottle at the end of the day because apparently i didn't have enough and solids were not enough. wow. i really am trying here. i dont know how much more i can do. i sure am trying though.


ANGELA BICKEL is the huge ONE NINE.  that is right. my baby sister is 19 years old people and she just started her first year of college. Here are 19 reasons Angela is a favorite person of mine.

(no particular order)

1. She is the most creative nail painter.

2. She genuinely loves Jesus and she walks that talk.

3. She is not uncomfortable with silence.

4. I have only heard her put herself down three times in her whole life. She knows who she is in Christ, and that is beautiful.


6. She will go down in my books as the most dramatic hater of a new hair color in her hair EVER. It was sad, but hilarious.

7. I LOVE that Angela is not about being right but about doing the right thing. So many times she will be dead set on doing something, but she is easily willing to do it another way if someone suggests something that might be wiser choice. that is humility right there.

8. The girl got style. She can pull off things that I NEVER could.

9. One of THE most loyal people I know. Never mess with her friends or family people.

10. She loves spending time with loved ones but is totally honest when she needs her alone time. I love that about her.


12. Angela. Well, may just think she is the best driver on the road and no one else knows what they are doing. It is pretty hilarious.

13. if you ever want to just chill and watch a movie. angela is your perfect date.

14. she works hard and she rests hard. great example of both.

15. angela has amazing common sense which helps her learn things really fast.

16. she is one of the best gift givers ever. its nice to have her in the family around Christmas time.

17. she is going to school to be an animal assisted therapist. who even does that? ANGELA!

18. one of the best artists i know. some of her paintings take my breath away.

19. I basically wouldn't want the chica to be any other way. I LOVE YOU SISTER.

chance of a rainy kind of day

i woke up this morning and it just feels like it should be a rainy day. a day matthew and i will stay cozy all day. he will probably eat a ton and take naps while i get some reading done and drink my tea for nursing moms. its looking like it will be a cloudy day with a 40% chance of rain. sounds good to me.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Destined To Reign

I am reading the most incredible book, "Destined To Reign." If i had to recommend one christian book other than the bible, so far, in all the books i have read, it would be this one. It actually feels like I am learning something from it and not just my usual "i already agree with and know that" kind of thing. I am being challenged in my every day thinking.

"Interestingly, people are afraid that when you tell a believer that he is completely forgiven by grace, and no longer has to earn his right standing before the Lord via the law of Moses, it would cause him to go out and live a life of sin a debauchery. However, the bible is very clear that the "strength of sin is the law." It is not grace that gives people the strength to sin. It is the law! The more you are under the law, the more sin is strengthened! Conversely, the more you are under grace, the more sin will be depleted of strength."

""Every time you preach grace, you preach it with a mixture of law. You attempt to balance grace with the law like many preachers, and the moment you balance grace, you neutralize it. You cannot put new wine into old wineskins. You cannot put grace and law together.""

"God blesses you not because you are good, but because he his good."

"Righteousness is a gift. It is not a reward for perfect obedience to the law. You are clothed today not in your own righteousness, which is self-righteousness, but with the righteousness of Jesus Christ. God sees you as righteous as Jesus is righteous."

"do you realize that under the old covenant, "every priest stands ministering daily and offering repeatedly the same sacrifices which can never take away sins? But the bible goes on to say that Jesus, "after He had offered one sacrifice for sins forever, sat down."  ..... This is because the work of the priest was never finished. Only Jesus' work is finished work. And not only did He sit down at the Fathers right hand, He made us SIT WITH HIM!..... Eph 2:4-6 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love for with which he loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together in with Christ...and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus......."sitting" down in the bible is a picture of the believer resting in the finished and completed work of Jesus....As it has all been accomplished on your behalf, this means that you can stop depending on your self-efforts to earn and qualify for God's blessings in your life. You can sit down with Jesus at the Father's right hand."

"Recognize that the devil has been using controversy as a device down the through church history to prevent believers from having access to the most powerful truths of God. He built fences of controversy around healing, prosperity and grace to keep believers from reigning over sickness, poverty and sin."

ok people. get the book.

Monday, August 29, 2011

i just cant get enough

life is pretty sweet. i just cannot get enough.

a new season

first of all, i cannot get enough of matthew. he is so sweet and hilarious and having him is the best thing ever. i love being his mommy. oh and today is mikes first day back to work after three weeks together. not only that he figures he will have about 3 hours worth of college work to do a night, its going to get pretty crazy around here. i miss him already and it has only been 2 hours. also, we have one car, so im stuck at home during the days. time for some creative outings down the street. eee. this should be interesting, but its ok. we have thought about selling my car and getting two cheaper ones. my husband is a bit ashamed to admit this is one of the vehicles i would like to get. check it out. it is from the movie, "love happens". soooo cute.

Saturday, August 27, 2011


i didnt realize how bad i needed tonight.

i came to my sisters house to watch their kids so her and her husband could have a night out. mike stayed home with matthew who is in bed by 7 almost on the dot every night. SO nice! anyways. just being in the car alone with music going and windows down would have been good enough. but once i was alone with my niece and nephew it felt SO GOOD. SO GOOD to be aunt denise again. the involved aunt denise. since matthew it is much more difficult to really pay attention to these kiddos. it is understandable, but i didnt realize how much i missed uninterrupted time to just be an aunt with no other expectation on me other than to take care of my niece and nephew for a bit. i actually think my 2 1/2 year old nephew has been wanting that for the last 5 months. yeah, we have had our moments but it hasnt been as relaxed as tonight. it did not last long before i put them to bed, but boy oh boy i didnt realize how much i missed them. i really hope to come up here once a week to help out the thayer family and get some quality time with the other really important kids in my life.

i needed tonight more than i thought.

snippet of tonight.

ME: "zechariah. you have 15 minutes till bed. what do you want to do for 15 minutes?"
Z: "watch football"
   (so we watch the detroit lions game, and for the next 15 minutes i hear....)
Z: "ball, forward, air, caught it..........oommff, tackle, fall.....ooooo. wow. oommff. tackle....oh no......YEAH, CAUGHT IT... WHEW!" 

At 2.5 years old. boys will be boys! so sweet.

 (ang. this is not the blog you are waiting for)

Friday, August 26, 2011

domestic colors

I have a ton I am thinking about. So hopefully this blog will nicely come together.

I have had a fairly rough time adjusting to being a mom and I think Matthew has had a fairly tough time adjusting to this world. I am constantly trying to remind myself of the positives in parenting, and honestly, most of it has to do with my lack of sleep. I REALLY do not do well with lack of sleep. And in the past two months I have only had a handful of times that I slept longer than 4 hours uninterrupted.

Today my sister was over, who totally embraces motherhood. She has two kids with a third one the way. CRAZY people those Thayers. Anyways. I asked her today to remind us why we love being moms. She simply said, "Them. We love it because of them." (talking about the kids of course) What an amazing answer. It wasn't, "oh, because I love to dress them, or I love bath time, or I love going to the park." no, we love being moms because of the specialness of the child. BEAUTIFUL answer.

this will all come together.

so I love math. mostly because when you are done with a problem, you are done, and you really never have to look back at it once you have it figured out. I love feeling like I complete something, black and white. well, tonight as i was folding laundry and doing the dishes, i thought to myself, "wow, this house may never feel like it is totally put together." I mean, there will always feel like there is something to get done and honestly it just feels like it goes in circles and circles and it never really feels like i accomplish anything or get something completely done, black and white. there is always another load to fold and another dirty dish. it all started to feel a bit purposeless. 

then i realized that i maybe have been seeing motherhood in a way that can only bring disappointment. like laundry (not really a good comparisson), if looked at in the same way, taking care of a baby can sometimes feel like you go in circles with never feeling like you get something completely done. once i feel great that i got him down for a nap, it is only a few hours later that I am going to have to do it again. yay. he is in bed for the night which will have to happen again tomorrow. once the spit up is cleaned up i find more running down my shirt, till the end of the day and in to the next. always a diaper to change.

so i have been thinking lately about running a home and all its domestic ways, and honestly I am happy that I have been processing it, because fact is, my college years I pushed myself away from anything of the sort. my dream was to live in a studio apartment with a mattress, books, journals, paint, and a hairdryer. nothing else. i wanted nothing much to do with the domestic life and i wanted to travel and meet people and just live a creative life that allowed for spontaneity at any minute. 

well, i had those days. and still do to some extent. but God placed me in a very different situation then what I thought I desired. Today I decided to accept the lifestyle the Lord has me in and I began to think about what it all really means. the laundry, the dishes, the endless things to do. the tiredness and a baby that only knows how to communicate by yelling at the top of his lungs between bites of avocado. hahah. i love him. as i think about it all i feel so privaliged. i am in the situation were i am trusted by God to create a home environment that shows a young boy what it means to be loved, cared for, safe, disciplined, and cherished. i get to create an environment that can be a safe place for my little family to succeed and fail and feel unconditional love with both. i get to make an environment that allows creativity and constant motion in learning. a place that is safe for friends. that has enough flexibility for creativity and spontaneity but enough structure for stability and predictability. what a beautiful thing. being a mom is not about laundry. yes, it is necessary to keep my boy in clean clothes. but it is about matthew, it is about my husband. and it is about showing them the love of Jesus so they can be empowered to make a difference in this world. so no, this whole new lifestyle is not as black and white as some of the books make it seem. it is really a bunch of beautiful colors.

i love what my sister said. i love being a mom because of matthew. thats it really. and i love being a wife because of michael. and i mean, isnt that why Jesus loves being our savior? not because he gets worshiped and gets lots of attention. but he loves it because of us. he just loves us. you and me. simple as that. OK. so that summed up fairly nicely. love you all!

lost phone and tough poops

so i cant find my phone. and so they say to think of the last place you saw it. and that would be the park. awesome! oh and matthew ate an entire banana and an entire avocado today.  not bad for being in the 3rd percentile for weight. but i actually had to cut him off. good thing cuz his face turns red when pooping now. poor little guy. i just didnt know how much to give him. he is a bottomless pit. its what i do all day long. feed matthew. he is filling out too. so i know he is really hungry.


this is my friend from ohio and her baby that is 2 weeks older than matthew and we had the same midwife. we saw each other and were immediate friends. she has been an amazing friend to me and has supported me and helped me out so much. whenever we are together we feel so relaxed and refreshed, and the stress that comes with being a mom seems to go away. we love our sling walks together. she actually made the slings.

Thursday, August 25, 2011


matthew is growing so much. he is just about 5 months now and he can't eat enough it feels like. sometimes i feel like i feed him ALL day long. milk, bananas, and avocados. he loves it all. oh. and today was a wonderful day. just beautiful jeans and sweater weather. gotta love it.

wanted to try out a bandana for when he can ride on papas Harley

the old man. just relaxing in the stroller.

we got our hands full in a few years.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

husband shout out

i just need to give a shout out to my man. michael. i dont know what i am going to do when you go back to work. this man has been cleaning and maintaining the house like a champ. he actually doesnt really let me help him when i want. he just tells me to worry about matthew and resting when i can. dang. i hope ill be ready to pick up the slack when he goes back to work and now is in school full time. oh. by the way. he is going to bible school. the guy loves the Word sooooooooooo much. im happy to see him so in love with what he is going back to school for. i love you babe. you have been really stepping up as the leader in our home. and he has been pretty firm with me when i start to become negative about myself. i think he finally put two fed-up feet down to not allow that kind of thinking in our household. love you. i wouldnt want to go through all this life with anyone else.

a beautiful messy day

the last few days have not been awesome really. ive kind of been wanting to just give up as a mom. im a bit confused with what to do with matthew right now with his eating and even sleeping and i just haven't been feeling confidant. but maybe its normal for all moms to feel this way. i just want what is best for him and right now im not feeling like he is getting it. the good thing is that when i was skyping my friend the other day she felt like God wanted to give me the word, "hope".  im going to claim that word. there is hope.

well, in all the emotions my sweet friend showed up at my house on her cute bike at just the perfect time. spent a few with me praying and speaking true things into me. like what a great mom and wife i am. love her. 

then later, one of our favorite couples in the entire universe came over for dinner. we were so blessed. we had so much fun just eating, talking, playing chinese checkers and just encouraging each other in our lives. they are pretty darn cute and one of the most in love couples we know. also matthew was intrigued by the guy in this picture. like, didnt stop staring at him with a very very serious look on his face. it was very hilarious.

Monday, August 22, 2011

who needs a blanket?


nursing pain

maybe one of the biggest stabs in the heart to a mom that LOVES nursing her baby, is when after he is done nursing and is frustrated because he can't get anymore milk from me, he chugs 4 more ounces of formula.

im pretty sure im not sure what to do right now.

ONE: there is no way i can afford formula

TWO (and most important) : my milk is SO good for him and the bonding and comfort he gets from nursing is insane.

THREE:   :(

Sunday, August 21, 2011

church, cousins, nursing, new friends

so last night my cousin was in from WI. not only is she my super awesome cousin who now refs college basketball and is a writer for a magazine (so proud of that girl) but through the years she has been one of my closest friends. but we went over to my other cousins house who made us salmon for dinner..yummmm and who i just called about some questions with nursing my baby because, well, im having a bit of frustrations with it and i just want to make the best decisions. for right now though, im going to REST REST REST and drink lots of water and eat healthy hearty food so that i can get my milk supply up for this kiddo. anyways. my cousins are pretty great.

well today we went to REAL CHURCH in detroit. I LOVE DETROIT. AHHH it felt soooo good to be in the city. we met in a place called the magic stick. i think its an entertainment venue that they rent out on sundays. so it was interesting to see the "F" word on a poster in my church. haha. but i love that Jesus is worshiped there on Sundays. they had a wonderful message on how to trust the Lord with our finances and that the love of money will never leave us satisfied. and that we so easily are only content for a little while till we can buy the next thing. and so often in our culture the next thing that we buy isnt even with money that we have at the time. anyways. i see that often i can only feel satisfied when i have "something", but it only leaves me happy for a bit. our full joy comes knowing how loved we are by Christ.

i also ran into my sister's old roommate at church. LOVE her. JAMIE, i know you a reading this and you are so pretty and i love you and you are awesome! i remember how Jaime and my sister used to go to Royal Oak on the weekends at night when every one was out at the bars and they would go pray for people and minister and show love to the sad drunk people. love those kids. and we also met a really sweet couple that ended up coming over to our house tonight and we got to chat a bit after they brought us yummy cookies, that i think Jamie made. ;)

oh and mom. if you are reading this, im being super lazy tonight, and yes, i am leaving the dishes in the sink until tomorrow.;)  i think i might be regretting the decision. but after a pretty emotional day with some matthew stuff, im beat to the bed right now. oh and the other thing i regret is that i missed out on the african international festival. it ended today and i found out about it too late. oh dear. oh well.

anyways. whoever reads this. i love you. and we are having some dear friends over tomorrow and i all the way cannot wait to see them.

so here some pics for last night. and the sad thing, is that my cousins who actually hosted last night, i accidentally deleted the picture of them. dang. but picture a beautiful red head with a glass of wine. that would be jenni. ;)

Saturday, August 20, 2011


matthew and i finally got out today and met up with my wonderful friend at the mall. we just talked forever while matthew slept and looked around. it was so needed. and i ran into two other friends while i was there. its weird that michigan is home again. i feel like ive been here forever, running into people i know, and i feel like im visiting, all at the same time. im ready to not feel like im visiting. but i know that it will just take a bit of time. and that is ok.

Friday, August 19, 2011

friday night

my friday nights didnt used to be finger paintings and running around in the yard. 
but i wouldn't have it any other way.

and my night ended with a great skype date with a precious friend.
and now that we are mostly settled in, and have had our time at home,
it is friend time.  
im officially stir crazy.
i have hardly left the house.
and i can tell that matthew is sooooo bored. 
tomorrow it is a cousin get together. 
sunday, possibly a picnic.
and monday, our dearest friends who we love so much are coming over.
im ready.