Friday, March 29, 2013

Out There

We just had a blissful family vacation in California. Such happy times. But we came home and the reality hit. And lets be honest, it is one of those nights where you just sit on your couch and cry. For me atleast.
Cry because I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep for a week with no interruptions, with my husband with me. I mean, I just want one morning atleast.
Cry because I woke up and could hardly walk on my knee and my husband had to work a 16 hour day and I still have children. And with kids, there is no such thing as calling into work anymore. Puking or anything.
Cry because we are losing someone very close to cancer this week.
Cry because I snapped too many times at matthew today. Gosh that is always the hardest.
Cry because I feel like a deer in the headlights when it comes to babies, and this is my second time around. And it is making me more insecure every day.
Cry because I care too much what people think and so I go places less and less with kids. I just want to get over myself.
Cry because I have mounds of laundry to put away and I cannot get myself to do it.
Cry because my husband has full time classes and I just have not had a date with him in 3 months
Cry because Ben wont take a bottle so it is so hard to figure out anything for me to be somewhere with out a kid if i need to be. Like the funeral possibly coming up.
Cry because I cannot come up with anything creative to make for dinner anymore.
Cry because both my kids were screaming at bedtime and I could only be with one at a time.
Cry because Ben nursed ALL day long today and I felt so bad that by the end of the day I could hardly stand to cuddle Matthew before bed. I just couldn't be touched anymore.
Cry because I cried way too much while taking care of the kids today and I felt like I could hardly hold us together any longer.
Cry because I don't want to invite people over because I would be afraid what they think.
Thank God for Grace and Easter. Because I am one hot mess. Happy. But today, a mess.

This isn't a pity me. But this is me so thankful that God put my babies to sleep before 8 tonight and I could sit and cry and that he could tell me the words to this song. Because I know I don't have to be perfect even though I try way too hard.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

Wednesday, March 13, 2013


My husband is my hero! I think he is the hero to my children because he loves me so well. He plays with the kids any second he has a chance, he cleans my house, and he kisses and hugs me, and always wants me around him ( i think). He is my best friend and I am so proud of him. He has taken on the role of being a dad so well. I love him.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Oh. Hey.

Oh. Hey. I have not blogged in so long. The past few weeks have been so wonderful with my boys. I am falling so in love with them more every day. Being a mom of two is really rocking my world. I am looking forward to some nice weather tho. I miss those fresh air walks during fussy time. While I am becoming so much more of a confident mom I am still seeing those insecurities come out and that is always no fun to address, but necessary right?

Well we head off to CA in a few weeks and I have never seen my husband so excited to get away.
Also, I cannot wait to get a better phone to take pictures on. I want to document better in photos but my little flip phone is not cutting it anymore. May just can't come soon enough when we get them.

But I gotta run.