I have a ton I am thinking about. So hopefully this blog will nicely come together.
I have had a fairly rough time adjusting to being a mom and I think Matthew has had a fairly tough time adjusting to this world. I am constantly trying to remind myself of the positives in parenting, and honestly, most of it has to do with my lack of sleep. I REALLY do not do well with lack of sleep. And in the past two months I have only had a handful of times that I slept longer than 4 hours uninterrupted.
Today my sister was over, who totally embraces motherhood. She has two kids with a third one the way. CRAZY people those Thayers. Anyways. I asked her today to remind us why we love being moms. She simply said, "Them. We love it because of them." (talking about the kids of course) What an amazing answer. It wasn't, "oh, because I love to dress them, or I love bath time, or I love going to the park." no, we love being moms because of the specialness of the child. BEAUTIFUL answer.
this will all come together.
so I love math. mostly because when you are done with a problem, you are done, and you really never have to look back at it once you have it figured out. I love feeling like I complete something, black and white. well, tonight as i was folding laundry and doing the dishes, i thought to myself, "wow, this house may never feel like it is totally put together." I mean, there will always feel like there is something to get done and honestly it just feels like it goes in circles and circles and it never really feels like i accomplish anything or get something completely done, black and white. there is always another load to fold and another dirty dish. it all started to feel a bit purposeless.
then i realized that i maybe have been seeing motherhood in a way that can only bring disappointment. like laundry (not really a good comparisson), if looked at in the same way, taking care of a baby can sometimes feel like you go in circles with never feeling like you get something completely done. once i feel great that i got him down for a nap, it is only a few hours later that I am going to have to do it again. yay. he is in bed for the night which will have to happen again tomorrow. once the spit up is cleaned up i find more running down my shirt, till the end of the day and in to the next. always a diaper to change.
so i have been thinking lately about running a home and all its domestic ways, and honestly I am happy that I have been processing it, because fact is, my college years I pushed myself away from anything of the sort. my dream was to live in a studio apartment with a mattress, books, journals, paint, and a hairdryer. nothing else. i wanted nothing much to do with the domestic life and i wanted to travel and meet people and just live a creative life that allowed for spontaneity at any minute.
well, i had those days. and still do to some extent. but God placed me in a very different situation then what I thought I desired. Today I decided to accept the lifestyle the Lord has me in and I began to think about what it all really means. the laundry, the dishes, the endless things to do. the tiredness and a baby that only knows how to communicate by yelling at the top of his lungs between bites of avocado. hahah. i love him. as i think about it all i feel so privaliged. i am in the situation were i am trusted by God to create a home environment that shows a young boy what it means to be loved, cared for, safe, disciplined, and cherished. i get to create an environment that can be a safe place for my little family to succeed and fail and feel unconditional love with both. i get to make an environment that allows creativity and constant motion in learning. a place that is safe for friends. that has enough flexibility for creativity and spontaneity but enough structure for stability and predictability. what a beautiful thing. being a mom is not about laundry. yes, it is necessary to keep my boy in clean clothes. but it is about matthew, it is about my husband. and it is about showing them the love of Jesus so they can be empowered to make a difference in this world. so no, this whole new lifestyle is not as black and white as some of the books make it seem. it is really a bunch of beautiful colors.
i love what my sister said. i love being a mom because of matthew. thats it really. and i love being a wife because of michael. and i mean, isnt that why Jesus loves being our savior? not because he gets worshiped and gets lots of attention. but he loves it because of us. he just loves us. you and me. simple as that. OK. so that summed up fairly nicely. love you all!