A Poem I Wrote

This is a dream ramble.

My heart is pretty tense right now. Not in a bad way. But tense with dreams.
You ever desire something so much that it feels like you can't breath?
I have been this way with the dreams that I do know God has put on my heart and they have fallen fresh on me. Maybe it is the weather change or maybe it is studying the book of James. But it is a good tension I think.

Im finding balance in life between service and rest. But one thing I thought last night is this. I know for 100% that I will be spending eternity with Jesus. In paradise. The ultimate retirement. And I know that at the end of my life I want to have given more than I took. In every way that God provides for me to do so. I know that at my age of retirement if I am still moving healthy, I still want to be sprinting the race of serving others for Christ. As my time opens up at that age I want to just give it all I got in service. Stick me in Africa when Im 70 or at the local homeless shelter in Detroit. Seriously.. Not because being "good" gets you into heaven, it is by Christ alone, but because what do I have to lose? These years of my life on earth are nothing compared to eternity in heaven, and honestly I don't want to spend my life trying to make my own utopia when it is freely waiting for me. There are people down here that need love dangit. =)

Sometimes these dreams get pretty crazy and I get antsy that I don't know how to make them happen. But when I start to take a thought seriously, I get scared. Really scared. Last night I was thinking about the idea of adoption and these were my thoughts. "What if I don't have the money? What if I can't show them enough love? What if it is hard on Matthew? What if people don't support it? What if Im not a good enough mom? What if I don't understand the child?"  But as I thought more about it, what it comes down to is this. "IT'S NOT ABOUT ME." Those fears are ridiculous. There are people out there that need even a person who is willing to even attempt to show them love. Even if they don't know what the heck they are doing. I mean, that is me with parenting. I have no idea what the heck I am doing but I am going to ask God how in the world to raise this boy.

Moving on. I know that God's timing with the dreams he has given me are different then mine. And even though, in imagination, I want to run a little orphanage out of my home, God knows when he is ready for me to do such a dream. I am working on a small goal right now to help out a Human Trafficking organization in the small way that I can. It doesn't feel like a lot to me. But like Mother Theresa says, "If you can't feed a million, feed one." And though I have my little family that is most definitely my calling, I know God is calling our family to a life of service in different ways than just shooting hoops inside our home. I will take one small oportunity as it comes, but I know this, God is faithful. And the desires he gives me brings joy. And he knows that. He doesn't give me dreams to bog me down, but to free me. Free me from my silly selfish self and to realize that he wants to trust me with great things. He wants to trust me with people. And that is a good Father right there. One who empowers me and encourages me.

I wrote this poem in a prayer journal at a church and my friend found it a few years back and sent it to me while I was on the race. I totally had no idea I wrote it and it made me realize how faithful he has been.  I highlighted what dreams God has fulfilled. He has fulfilled them in different capacities.
I included the whole email from my friend because she wrote so encouraging and sweet to me. This is what the body of Christ should be like to each other. 

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Sweet friend,

I was going through the old 40 prayer journal this morning at work and came across one of your old entries from July 19, 2008. I know it was yours because you share how you were thankful that God saved Michael (your now-husband!!). Anyway, I wanted to pass along your entry to you in this email so you could be reminded of how faithful our amazing God is. God is giving you your dreams!!! Read:

7/19/08
12:20pm

I have so many dreams,
It wears me out.
I want to save the world,
But I don't know how.

My dreams become chaos in my mind.
I search for ways
to make it clear
and to find
peace.

Peace... knowing you saved the world.
That was Your call
Show me mine.
My dreams are so many,
I'm losing time.

I'm so scared
I'll give up
if I face opposition
Accomplish Your dreams
through me.

Oh God!
I'll do anything.
Give You everything.

My dreams are so many that I don't even know where to start. God, here are my desires. Make them stronger or take them away.

• To live in Africa
• To bring hope to and dance with street children
• Live in a community of homeless
• Start a church ministry in a slum
• Never buy a house, and if I do, let people live there that need to.
• Comfort the dying and the sick
• I want to see Your miracles and see my pride taken away
• Learn how to medically care for wounds and sores
• I want to give all that I have and then more
• I want to be in some of the most desperate situations in the world
• I want to be in war and war-torn countries
• Raise orphans
• Minister to prostitutes
• I want to feel what You feel

We serve an amazing God. How faithful is He that He planted these desires in your heart and brought a lot of them to fruition! I know that it's a God-thing that I came across that entry today, so I hope that it's an encouragement to you of God's all-encompassing love for you.

I love you! I'll write you an email soon - it made my heart SO HAPPY to talk to you last night.

Love,
Stefanie
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Praise Jesus for what he has done. Only by him could he show so much Love through me. I am a mess sometimes. I am a broken person but he has chosen to use me. He chose me. Chose me to take part in his inheritance. He has chosen all of us. It is just up to us to take him up on his offer of a life of Grace. I feel so blessed. All Glory goes to Him.