Matthew is going to be ONE on Wednesday. I never really was phased that it was actually going to happen till we started to write a list of things to get for his birthday. As the tears started flowing they haven't totally stopped and my heart has jumped a few sizes while all I can do is stare at my kid all day and cry and laugh and hug and kiss him. I am completely overwhelmed. For some reason he has been making me feel like it was the first time I ever met him in the hospital. And I have prayed for that moment back. I see him in new eyes and I cannot get enough. Mike and I are totally obsessed and it is only going to get harder, to slowly let him go. In one year it is amazing how much independence he gains and I have already had to let part of him go, to be his own person who is not dependent on mom for everything. As I was nursing him tonight I hoped it would last forever because I know it wont be long till he steps away from me and turns to a glass of milk instead.
Being Matthew's mom has far exceeded any life experience EVER. (not including marriage and Jesus) However, parenting is it's own category. It's moments that literally take your breath away. Like today, when I forgot to close the basement door ( I NEVER DO) and he almost walks himself down a flight of cement stairs. I know my husbands heart didn't slow down for a long time. It's moments like that, that make you stop and never want to miss another moment because you realize how much he has changed us.
It's moments like walking into his room when he wasn't napping and find that he had taken off his pants in his crib. I laughed so hard and prayed for a million more moments like that. Moments like last night, in the bath. I was playing with his little toes and crying thinking about how they won't be little forever. And he stood up, leaned over the bathtub, put his wet arms around my neck with his head on my shoulder and just loved me, with the biggest hug ever. seriously? There are no words to the love you can have for your child. I just feel like someone should pinch me because it feels like a dream. Having a child is better than travel, better than doing whatever I want on a friday night. I feel so wonderful having him in my life right now. and one day i will totally release him to the life God has planned for him as an adult, but for now, I will kiss those feet and nurse him, and try to enjoy every second of it all before it is gone. It is the one thing in life where I am not rushing forward to the next thing. Stay small Matthew, at least for a while. Your mom and daddy love you so much it hurts sometimes.
And I am soooo excited for him to have his FIRST birthday.