Saturday, June 4, 2011

my real honest mommy blog

"denise. its ok that this is hard. your lifestyle is completely opposite of what it used to be." -my mom-

My mom is right. choosing to be a stay at home mom cannot be any more opposite of what my life was like. Looking at my life from after high school till Matthew was born. Hmm. I was a very motivated girl in life. I got my degree in physical therapy and worked a wonderful full time job at a hospital that financially allowed me to do many things. I had an incredible social life, and was involved in so much. i would go running in the morning and roller blade at night with friends, jumping in lakes afterwards with our clothes on. i traveled all the time, around the country and the world. visited friends all over the states, fun road trips, climbing trees, midnight runs, bookstores, endless coffee dates, sky diving, adventures around detroit. and the list could go on and on. i was on fire, full of energy and life and passions and new experiences. then i married michael. we were always together, worked at the same job, than traveled the world together, went on lots of dates, and cuddled to our little hearts content.

fast forward to umm, today. michael in the recliner, im on the couch feeding matthew, tears in our eyes (more like pouring down My eyes), and missing each other more than our 8 days apart in thailand. michael tells me he would give up anything if it meant having time with his wife again. (except matthew) "id give up a nice place to live or a good job, i just want you back", he told me. we want to understand each other again, but the roles we play now couldnt be more opposite. we love matthew, but he is very time consuming, of course. and mike works evenings when matthew is sleeping in the crib. during the day when he is home, matthew is very difficult to get to nap, and he mostly wants us to hold him for a nap, so mike and I never have a second for just the two of us. it is very difficult to take matthew out of the house because he is so hard to get down and prefers not to be in the car, sweet thing.

yesterday i sit on the couch with over tired, sick matthew, and while i sit all day feeding his healing body, i stare off with no mental or physical energy left to even think about anything except how lonely this all is. when he cries and fights taking naps so hard, i just want to rationalize with him and explain to him that he needs to close his eyes and sleep soundly for like two hours so mommy and daddy can play a game or something. but instead, the most frustrating and angry feelings i have ever felt come to surface, and i wonder how the most beautiful creation in the world with the sweetest smile can somehow make me feel this way. there are a million decisions to make each day, will i ruin his little spirit if i do something wrong? i get moments where i wish i had a full time job and can go back and have the money to buy a ticket to LA to see my sister and gallivant around the city in heals, and go for a run up the mountain and meet a friend for coffee with no time constraints. why WHY do i feel this way? its not that i dont want responsibility and i always love a good challenge, but there is no possible way to explain how hard it is to be a stay at home mom, and for lack of words, i wont. only moms get it. its just hard to where the past few days, i have felt like i could hardly breath or didnt think i could even go on one more day.

but i sit here this evening, at home with my sick baby while my parents are at a community dinner with millionaires and homeless people all loving each other (so my thing), and i really dont think id rather be with anyone else than matthew right now. tonight i stand with matthew in a steaming bathroom to clear out his nose while he falls asleep with his perfect hand wrapped around my finger. no saturday night in downtown royal oak tonight. just me and my baby.

i realize the beauty of being a mom is to be able to watch a person grow up from the very start. to see his first smile, to see him fight his first cold, to hear about his first day at school, his first crush. to rub his back when he is throwing up and to give him a million kisses in front of all of his friends. . i get to see him fail and succeed and be proud of him during both. i get to discipline with love. GOD has given me the privilege to raise His child. He created him just for us and us just for him and we get the challenge and joy of raising him. and THAT is better than climbing any mountain in africa.

yes. life is pretty hard right now. i am thankful to be living with my parents who insist on mike and I going on dates every once in a while. my mom is extremely a pro when it comes to matthew and i am forever at peace when i leave him with her. thank the lord for that. but yes. mike and i continue to try and figure out how to get our time while not neglecting matthew. we ask for your prayers. we want the child to bring us together and not apart. we ask for prayers for matthews nap time. that he can get pro at sleeping during the day so mike and i have a moment to ourselves and so he can have a restful day. we refuse to believe we are defeated in our emotions and know that God still wants us to enjoy life outside of just being parents but pray that raising matthew would be more joyful than ever before.

and there is the truth.

my saturday night with my matthew

1 comment:

  1. thanks for sharing Denise. good to know the good and bad and lifechanging realities of kids. But such a blessing. will pray for you! keep up the good work!